Wednesday, August 15, 2012

sequel to our dance..

Okay okay ..So I am a complete doofus. Let me explain so here we are doing this little dance we do and I am in complete control of all emotions, then today I let you get to me. You fill my senses like a primal male mate. I don't want you too have control I need to stay focused so I am fighting. I try fighting the urges that come with your words. I am curious to know so much but resist the verbal combativeness. Our dance continues only you have slowed me down and are waltzing me across the floor with your dominance.

I am afraid to let you in, I beg you not to hurt me as before but I am so unsure of the road we are going down and left speechless by your new found approach. I vow to take a step back at this point and regain my wits. Nothing is going to deflect me from doing that. My walls are up and its going to take more than a few antics to bring them down I need proof. So can you keep up this dance if I am leading? I know this time I will not allow you to break me old friend.  So my plan to ignore you for a little bit to gain back my barrings is in full swing. So lets dance...

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Dream a Dream

I have been struggling a lot lately to make changes with in myself but to also recognize I am human and will have set backs. Unfortunately those set backs hit hard this week and made me see who really had my back when I needed them too, it just wasn't a lot of who I thought should. So last night 8/10/12 I had the most intimate realistic dream in my life. It was not sex ( for all of you worried I will be pervy) lol Okay so here it is

I dream-pt of this man his face and body structure so real, I recognized him but I didn't know him, He had a little boy younger than my son but not by much and his son had blonde hair. We met and it was instant kismet, The connection so strong it was if I lived it before. This man never revealed his name but he took my hand and I knew at that exact moment He was mine, I mean my husband, the love I had for him was overbearingly strong, and my son called his son brother, and I remember playing with the kids while he sat and watched and like in a lovers movie I got up letting the kids continue to play in our yard as I sat next him on the step below him he embraced my hands and the attraction well lets just say I have never experienced that before either so I kissed him and it was earth shattering. He told me he loved me that he would find me, I looked at him and woke up...

Waking up I didn't feel good felt sick ..almost to the point of throwing up as if I lost someone. I forced my self to sleep again only to relive the same man , all day I have thought about this dream and wonder if perhaps I have hidden feelings? Or maybe I just dream-pt of someone I have not met yet? I do know I was very affected by the dream, eager to find who this person is. I went as far as researching dream meanings but none of what they said made any sense to me.. The feelings I had were like nothing else I ever felt before how do you shake that? I obviously can't be in a dream state all the time, but I want for this dream again.
I want to dream this dream once more.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Our dance

So here we are again doing this dance, your attraction, my attraction a disaster in the making I am so surely afraid. I think you will always crave me so far you have proven that a fact. How do I maintain myself when there is a strong possibility I too want something you can provide. I am not sure if there is a reason for this. This will never lead to anything. Just two souls unable to stay away from each other. Two people God put on this earth on the same path who cant shake each other. There are things I know about myself that I once was unsure of,  I am in better control of me and my emotions. My choices may not always be clear but one thing I do know is here you are.

You say all the right things like I'm vulnerable, expecting me to take the bait. The only question I have is I didn't take it before what makes you think I will take it this time? Its hard to play a game on someone who knows how to play it better. ;) although you will never read this getting this out of my head and on to paper (sorda speak) helps me to reflect the what is. I remember when we felt so close to each other my best friend my confidant, but you pushed me away you led me to believe it was me when along you knew it was you, you who had fallen. You left me speechless and alone while you watched me from afar. I forgave you because it was you. Excepted your apology just never went back. Now here you are again, the question I have now is what is it you really want? I wont know that exactly until I ask you face to face, and that will happen soon i'm sure; me and you well we love to dance.

So we shall see...too be continued.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Searching

Going in for a little soul searching, perhaps providing some answers to some well needed questions. I give myself permission to be confused and conflicted I am not GOD I do not have all the insight. What I do know is that I am strong, and I am becoming aware of my emotions little by little. Learning what each are and how I truly react in situations; for so very long I had emotions but never in control of them, they came and I struggled to understand. Now I learn that with each emotion there is a reason so I am searching my self to find those reasons. I never looked at myself and said How do I "REALLY" feel about this , I just kind of always acted by instinct never really taking it in.  Learning that and doing it is much more difficult then I thought.

I thought going into making a better me would be quick and easy, who goes into life thinking they don't know themselves..Turns out ME..*giggles* I am not sure who I am, and I feel a little silly not knowing that at 31 years old but I guess always growing is why we are put on this earth. I am just now figuring out who I am aside from a mom. I am a great mother I know this. I will toot toot that horn; but the "woman" behind that I am not so sure..I am discovering new likes and dislikes. I am seeing the kind of happiness I am in search for, who I am with faults and all. Therapy is working very well. I just love my therapist she is very helpful to me. I feel like I am making great progress and strides. This miracle of a new me will not happen over night.. So I am taking time to smell the roses, reading much more, and really thinking about things. 

I keep this as almost a personal journal to me just because to write anything down in my house would not be kept for privacy. Writing on my blog my own personal feelings, sometimes writing based on how someone else feels, just gives me a little sense that I have something just for me.  
Since noone in my house other than me reads it. 

Monday, July 2, 2012

Please don't Judge me

Please don't judge me based on the way I Look. Did you know I am fat because I am sick. Did you know that I used to be very thin and fight everyday to be healthier? Please don't judge me based on today. Did you know that today and everyday I struggle with depression? Did you know that it's because I lost my dad and through out my life I have been abused? Please don't judge me because love is all I seek. If you look beyond my outer appearance you would find??? I would do anything for the people I love. You would find I have a love for words whether it's writing them myself, or reading them off of a page. You would see that I am an educator and a nurturer and that I love my Child and would love to have more. You would know that if I seen someone being treated unjust I would be the one to stand and up and speak even if it meant being hurt myself. Do you know that If I seen You the one who judged me being hurt I would protect you. Why? Because there is so much more to me. So please I ask don't Judge me.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

questions

Will you ever see her? The girl who hides her beauty, longing to be found. Can you hear her tear drops as they fall gently among roses? Or do you search for her because you desire her beyond what she herself can recognize? Can you see deep in to her eyes and see her soul? She is lost. Searching for something to fill her heart, something to fill her spirit. She doesn't see herself anymore. She is a shell of what she once was. Her life makes little sense to her these days this woman has lost her worth. Her dreams are big, but seem unreachable. Can you love her? Can you put the passion and the fire back in this woman that once was? Can she trust you? Can you guide her? Or will she stay hidden tied and bound by her mistakes???????.............

Friday, June 22, 2012

Thoughts at random

Sadness reaps when someone you meet falls before you do, sadness seeps when both parties are restricted from anything other than a friendship. Sadness sinks when you realize you're jaded by your past. Scared to be hurt, scared to open up, but what hurts even deeper is knowing that perhaps you are hurting someone else because you want to take it slow and they are not where you are. I never want to hurt another because of the deep pain I've suffered. You need to get to know me first ask me questions, learn about me, and then you can truly say you know something about me. 

There are always things I believe a person wishes they could change, I am however a believer that there are reasons why people come into our lives.  Maybe its Gods life lesson, He brings a person or a situation up to see if you would handle it the way you would of before, or if you learned from before and perhaps would follow a different path all together. Honestly speaking I wish I knew what it was I exactly want from this life! I am 31 years old and I am still trying to figure this out. I feel pathetic. One thing I know I want, is to be Happy! Fulfilled! I want to travel anywhere a car or boat can take me because I don't fly lol. I want to raise a happy, intelligent, independent, well rounded child. My son is my everything and I work so hard at making sure he knows that. I wonder sometimes though is it wrong to say for me I want to feel whole and complete, because of a love so divine. I want him to witness an extraordinary love instead of just an ordinary love??? As a woman we have needs why shouldn't we feed ourselves, men do it all the time? I want that knock me off my feet, spectacular love. Who knows if I never get it at least I will have dreampt of it. I just ask if you are going to attempt to know me work at it. Show me your brilliance. The main thing that I focus on above anything is your intelligence, can you stimulate me with your mind? I am  sapiosexual and a proud one. 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Sitting Reminiscing Written by me

Sitting reminiscing of how we could be, if all the mistakes could just be erased. Waiting for something else to happen to help me overcome the sorrow and the pain that is left in the wake of our life now. I remember a time filled with grace, desire, laughter, and pleasure before the disaster. If we could do it over suppose we'd do it much different or maybe we just would not do it at all? Only GOD knows. All I know is sitting reminiscing has made me feel disruptive. I want you gone from my mind, severed from my heart, you have took up enough time and energy for me. Although I want you gone the chances of never thinking of you again is slim, every where I go your  memory is there, every time I close my eyes I can see your face and the way you smiled at me through your eyes. Why can't you see what I see instead of the mistakes that has divided you from me, because if you bother to look back on the ashes you left my blood still boils just for you.

To: Mindie (you will know why I wrote this) I love yah sista
written by Catherine Rafferty

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Reflection

You ever have a moment when you sit alone and memories flood your mind till its pouring from your eyes? How come it's so damn hard to let things go? Memories eat at my brain, It's paralyzing sometimes. I am strong and continue moving forward that is not the problem. Sometimes though I wish I could go back and change the things that mattered to not matter anymore. If I didn't write I would be lost.

People from your past they move on they get married, they seem to be thrilled in there life all the time as if nothing is ever bothersome, just a facade I know; everyone has issues. I wonder though with everything if certain people I once used to know sat and thought the way I do about them. Saddened by ended friendships, or the distance now displaced between us. What a sad feeling, You think or at least I think, of all the times we made each other smile, or we laughed with each other, or came together because of a mutual understanding about a painful situation. I am never in malice of  these people. I am glad things turned the way they did and people are finding happiness and etc. However there are these moments when I sit by myself my house peaceful  (completely unusual) and it gives me time to think and reflect. I sit here writing this crying, like a fool..(laughing) I guess because I think why? Just because people move on do we have to stop being close friends, why do we have to put barriers up and walls?..I am also to blame I am built like fort knox honestly.

I take some solace in that I can take these moments to let those walls down and cry though it gives me a good cleansing & refreshes my soul that even though I am sad perhaps one day I will not be. I wish I could take back mistakes I have made, although in that same sense I think without those mistakes I would have learned nothing. So here I spill it To all who read this post which I don't think is really anybody..I want someone to get to know me, the real me, deep down. Someone to laugh because I am funny, someone to recognize how intelligent I am, someone who sees the smile on my face and wants to know whats behind it. I would give everything to have the man in my life to feel that, but I know he doesn't, you just get used to being with someone and the comfort-ability with that person you almost don't know how to live without them. I think that is our case.

Well I have ranted on long enough I am not sure what this will do for me right now, but getting all this insanity out might stop this incredible crying I have going on. (laughing) I hate to cry and I don't do it often.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

S.Free

Its hard for me because I can't forget the way you used to make me smile, I could remember a time when seeing your face, or hearing your voice made me feel so secure. So right for each other perhaps in a different time and place. You were my best friend I could tell you anything happy or sad and you would always be there loving me no matter what happened. We moved on, each stepping back it could never be our lives living so differently. It was so hard for me for so long, it was as if a part of me died a slow painful death.

Months have gone by and I think of you now and again, Everyone says its the for the best, but I still cant help remember you from time to time. So I do the one and stupid thing I could ever do and email you, letting my impulse get the best of me; and you are you saying the most sweetest things. Reminding me of the kind of man you are. I would give anything to forget sometimes.

I know for people who read this you might not understand. It was more than what you may imagine. A friendship so close it would take your breath away. Someone who intellectually stimulated your mind and fed your intelligence like a nurturing supplement. It was knowing someone so far away knew you better in side than anyone you ever came in contact with. It was as if your soul was a puzzle piece and this other soul connected with your's like the missing piece.

I cried one good cry the day I knew we had to say goodbye, but felt the torture of it like a stagnant wound. Hearing from you again only makes me realize for good or bad, for what ever reason our beings are connected.  Although it will just always be a friendship it's one I don't want to lose. Knowing now you feel the same only makes me happy I sent the e-mail.

samir
I should have never doubted you, You told me once you would never leave me and you never have. You made me see after being blind for so long so thank you, thank you so much because you gave me something I didn't think was possible that was recognizing what my soul needed to keep it vibrant.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Captivating: Pride and Prejudice

Captivating: Pride and Prejudice: One of my all time favorite books and movie is Pride and Prejudice. Can you imagine such a prideful man as Mr. Darcy His love so divine, so ...

Pride and Prejudice

One of my all time favorite books and movie is Pride and Prejudice. Can you imagine such a prideful man as Mr. Darcy His love so divine, so courageous. If only woman these days could find a love so meaningful. The   greatness between Mr. Darcy and his love Ms. Elizabeth simply takes my breath away. The reason I speak of this, is because I have read the book twice and seen the movie so many times I cant count; and each time when he looks at her standing tall and manly with such vulnerability declares that his love has not changed from so much time before, but that he hopes hers had; and that if they had he would never for one second want to be separated from her, I shed a tear each time..At that moment she knows that with all of her that she was in love that everything she had thought of Mr. Darcy was mistakenly wrong.

I swear I think I was meant to live in a time like that. My stories my words echo passion and love beyond these days comprehension. I only hope that I raise my son with the sensitivity and pride of a man like Mr. Darcy. If I never in my life time get to experience such deep love myself, at least my son might have the chance to love someone in the way perhaps I was never meant.

If you have never read the book or seen the movie I urge you, it is most fantastic. For the time you are reading, or maybe even watching the movie you will experience the love I am talking about. The movie is a bit long about 2 hrs 15 min..get Kleenex and  plot yourself, I am surely you will be affected. Maybe not as profoundly as me but most certainly you will have watched one of the greatest films of all time, or read the greatest book ever printed.

Friday, June 1, 2012

If only you missed me

If I said I missed you, would you say you missed me to? Would you say you needed me more than you or I could bare?,
If I said I missed you, would you say you missed me to ? Would you stand before and declare a forever love that no one dares?
If I said I missed you, would you say you missed me to? Would you say your sorry and bestow your love upon me?
If you said You missed me I would say, "My spirit was your spirit I was just waiting for you to see!"

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Stand your Ground let noone bring you down

Even though there are people in our lives that we love, should we allow them to shame us, make us feel bad, curse at us, bring us down?   I am who I am like it or lump it. You can call me "Ghetto" for standing up for myself that's okay with me. I am strong enough for that are you? I wonder how come it's okay for you to call me names and bring yourself to a degrading level for me expressing my own feelings, yet I am the one that is "ghetto" Shame on you. Just because I love you just because your family, doesn't mean I will ever allow you to control me, or put me down because of your irrationality.

I think its sad that I would fight for you, come together with you, laugh with you, be there if you need me, and yet you think it okay to be that person who bombards me with insults. It's very upsetting to push your insecurities you feel off on to me. I am not to blame you are!

I admit my false, I seek help for my troubles, But I am strong, and independent, I will not stand down to anyone, Those are things you should be proud of instead you are no better than enemies who smile in my face then talk behind my back. I am sorry to say that, but You let me down. My friends don't treat me as bad as my own family, you can say what you want but my so called "Ghetto" friends from the place you once lived would jump to my defense, fight fist to fist with my enemies, protect me, where you my own family, could care two glances about things that happen to me. Yet I am the one you want to call when you feel threatened by someone....I no longer will subject myself to your insanity. As much as I am your family, I am my own person first. I will not put up with your swearing, or anger, your insecurities, your delusions of granger. If you can except me for who I am then we can talk but don't try to step on me I never have nor will I ever be someone to lay down and take bull shit just because someone is having a bad day.

Monday, May 28, 2012

The light at the end of the tunnel

I would like to start this post with a deep breath *smiles* I do that only because for so long it felt like air was incapable of reaching my lungs. I struggle with severe depression, High anxiety, Anger issues almost to a point of paralyzing me..Although I take medication and seek treatment, I am not ashamed to say I have limitations. I feel like for so long I let those ailments rule my life. So I have started taking time to figure out who I am what I need, and how to express that without killing someone in the process.

I started therapy a few months back, and I have to say its helps me greatly although sometimes I just go to her and vent I have realized that I have walls built around me so solid and thick its like fort knox, and the anger I displace is from repressed situations in my life. *shocking* <---at least it was to me.  So I am learning new ways to handle it other than blowing my stack and I am feeling a bit refreshed.

Also I have started to recognize where my heart is, right here in my home, something I shy'd away from maybe because I am the what if kinda gal. I am also a runner, So when things get tough or a little frustrating I shut down not just with the man I love but with all my friends too I become a recluse. SOoooo learning that I am taking time to work on my relationship I am lucky to have a man who loves me flaws and all, who has stood by me when I needed someone to bath me after having a double lumpectomy, who when I was sick held my hair back, whos put up with all the ups and downs I have bestowed upon him, I am not saying he is perfect but he is my kind of perfect and for a bit there I think I lost sight of that. I am also very lucky that we have been together for the last 11 years..That takes something.

You know I never thought one person could make you look at your life in a whole new way and My son has really made me do that, I want to be better so he grows up being proud of me as his mother, Last weekend we went to the park and he met a friend who was also 4 who coincidentally was not only born two weeks away from my son in the same month but was also named Joshua..Although his little friend didn't speak very well, My son didn't care and I was proud of him; but what really made me cry was him walking his lil friend Joshua up to us and saying this is my mom and this is my dad, so very proud of us. I want him to always have that feeling about us..He has changed my life. I am continuing to change, continuing to work on myself trying to grow each day a better person. All we can do in this life is keep trying and keep learning.

It's been a long time since I have written, I even started a book that I didn't finish however for everyone who likes reading my blogs I am glad to be back to writing, Perhaps giving you a little bit a smile , or perhaps just a little something to think about.