Our dance

So here we are again doing this dance, your attraction, my attraction a disaster in the making I am so surely afraid. I think you will always crave me so far you have proven that a fact. How do I maintain myself when there is a strong possibility I too want something you can provide. I am not sure if there is a reason for this. This will never lead to anything. Just two souls unable to stay away from each other. Two people God put on this earth on the same path who cant shake each other. There are things I know about myself that I once was unsure of,  I am in better control of me and my emotions. My choices may not always be clear but one thing I do know is here you are.

You say all the right things like I'm vulnerable, expecting me to take the bait. The only question I have is I didn't take it before what makes you think I will take it this time? Its hard to play a game on someone who knows how to play it better. ;) although you will never read this getting this out of my head and on to paper (sorda speak) helps me to reflect the what is. I remember when we felt so close to each other my best friend my confidant, but you pushed me away you led me to believe it was me when along you knew it was you, you who had fallen. You left me speechless and alone while you watched me from afar. I forgave you because it was you. Excepted your apology just never went back. Now here you are again, the question I have now is what is it you really want? I wont know that exactly until I ask you face to face, and that will happen soon i'm sure; me and you well we love to dance.

So we shall see...too be continued.

Searching

Going in for a little soul searching, perhaps providing some answers to some well needed questions. I give myself permission to be confused and conflicted I am not GOD I do not have all the insight. What I do know is that I am strong, and I am becoming aware of my emotions little by little. Learning what each are and how I truly react in situations; for so very long I had emotions but never in control of them, they came and I struggled to understand. Now I learn that with each emotion there is a reason so I am searching my self to find those reasons. I never looked at myself and said How do I "REALLY" feel about this , I just kind of always acted by instinct never really taking it in.  Learning that and doing it is much more difficult then I thought.

I thought going into making a better me would be quick and easy, who goes into life thinking they don't know themselves..Turns out ME..*giggles* I am not sure who I am, and I feel a little silly not knowing that at 31 years old but I guess always growing is why we are put on this earth. I am just now figuring out who I am aside from a mom. I am a great mother I know this. I will toot toot that horn; but the "woman" behind that I am not so sure..I am discovering new likes and dislikes. I am seeing the kind of happiness I am in search for, who I am with faults and all. Therapy is working very well. I just love my therapist she is very helpful to me. I feel like I am making great progress and strides. This miracle of a new me will not happen over night.. So I am taking time to smell the roses, reading much more, and really thinking about things. 

I keep this as almost a personal journal to me just because to write anything down in my house would not be kept for privacy. Writing on my blog my own personal feelings, sometimes writing based on how someone else feels, just gives me a little sense that I have something just for me.  

Since noone in my house other than me reads it. 

Please don't Judge me

Please don't judge me based on the way I Look. Did you know I am fat because I am sick. Did you know that I used to be very thin and fight everyday to be healthier? Please don't judge me based on today. Did you know that today and everyday I struggle with depression? Did you know that it's because I lost my dad and through out my life I have been abused? Please don't judge me because love is all I seek. If you look beyond my outer appearance you would find??? I would do anything for the people I love. You would find I have a love for words whether it's writing them myself, or reading them off of a page. You would see that I am an educator and a nurturer and that I love my Child and would love to have more. You would know that if I seen someone being treated unjust I would be the one to stand and up and speak even if it meant being hurt myself. Do you know that If I seen You the one who judged me being hurt I would protect you. Why? Because there is so much more to me. So please I ask don't Judge me.