August 26, 2011
                                                 Is it possible I wonder for you to be broken by someone else? To once know your worth Until of the sudden you don't anymore? As A woman I know what I seek a strong, Intelligent, fun, loving man, Who respects me and Loves me for who I am. Not what he try's to mold me into. I think I have always been dominant, beautiful, funny, loving. But I have never lied; in that I am a negative nelly, I push, and push people away that try and get close to me. I think in some ways I  seek out someone who is strong enough to see the walls and push pass them despite themselves. I thought I stumbled up on that one, but now I am not so sure. I feel so broken down. Worn, Unable to understand my worth that once was so clear. Its like everything I once knew I no-longer know what it all stands for. I had fallen to hard to quick Before I new it I was doing things unlike myself. We would fight and I would immediately say it must be my fault. The want paralyzed me, I realized I now needed him emotionally he was feeding me. My own feelings started not to matter as long as he was happy and  kind again. Time and time again I seen that I had become weaker not stronger.  Time has passed I felt defeated. The final  night He said he needed time, My heart shattering, tears flooded my eyes more than ever, and I realized I did nothing to deserve this. He actually used the words that haunt my mind "you know what your problem is?" as a list came to be. I sat stunned. My problem are you serious My problem. Just yesterday we were great.. you said your phone needed to charge I said ok..The next day it was a switch you shut down, You needed time, I was a problem, and yes I will say it blah blah blah...I came to see he didn't care if I was crying on the other side because of his words. Why do I care so much what my problem is, No one is perfect don't when you fall in love, you love that person good or bad.? I have to take it back my dominance, I have to stop being scared he is gonna walk, He always says he's not going anywhere, So if he does walk than that is his lies he lays next to right. So I begin today this moment no matter what the end consequence to gain back my confidence, my worth. I am who I am and for anyone who thinks they are gonna change me or not like me for who I am well accept me for me or kick rocks. GOT IT !!!

Love Quote of the Day:

Romantic love reaches out in little ways, showing attention and admiration. Romantic love remembers what pleases a woman, what excites her, and what surprises her. Its actions whisper: you are the most special person in my life.
-Charles Stanley ( A Man’s Touch)

Love like we were Meant

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

                  Why can't we love like we were meant? Why wont you say You love me with no regrets? My mind racing, my thoughts never more captivating, but I too step back anticipating; That my life with out you seems to have no meaning. Please don't watch me cry as you silently pass me by. Why can't you see I have fought to my capability. You were always supposed to love me, never giving up on me. Now I stand here I am left Lonely

                   Why can't we love like we were meant? Why wont you say you Love me with no regrets?

                          

I have loved!

Sunday, August 14, 2011
                        I have loved so deeply so pure, when I think of you I shed a tear.
The comfort you provided that now you barely share. I fell so hard in the deepest despair.
                        You say I am your addict as you give me a snare, Your desires for me ending their.
Your love divided, Mine could never compare. My heart now damaged no band-aid to repair.
                        All I have now are the memories we shared. Oh how I loved so deep and so pure but. you say their is nothing left for me here. You went back home, no one the wiser; except for me who is broken and shattered. 
                     

Just saying I love you

• I have 5 sisters some of us close some of us not. We have had serious up's and serious down's. Their were times I wished I was an only child, and Times I felt blessed to have so many siblings. I have struggled with them and fought against them. Hated their input because of course I am me and think most times I know what is best.
•  I have 2 sisters in particular I cherised more I think mostly  because we lived with each other for so long, but because out of all my sisters they were who I got to see the bad the good and the ugly with. I consider them my friendenemies, They are who I rely on the most but have fought with the worst.
• I am the youngest out of 6 so I fight to show I can do it without them and yet look for them to be my guidence when I've lost my way. I have realized over times of my life that I am completely defiant, Very opinionated, and take things personal most of the time. In someways as much as I am different from them I do believe I am the same.
• Just so I am clear let me explain, lets start My eldest sister, is reserved and extremely mature, She rarely gets angry and if she does its like "I dont appreciate your tone" hahaha..I love her probably more than she knows. I am similar to her because I care sometimes to much. Then you have Next in line She is a wackadoo, She always thinks she is imperfect, finding something wrong with herself that can always use a tweek or two. She is most times canada, she stays out of most conflicts as a neutral party, however is quick to fight to protect her family. I am like her because I to find I am sometimes not as self assured as I would like, and I am quick to fight to protect. Then you have the third sister, Well she is crazy, stubborn, & convinced most times that we are all against her. She is fogged my whats truth and fiction and most definatly reacts based on the fiction of things. I am like her because I am just as stubborn, and can be myself a bit crazy. Next in line, I know that is alot to take in already but I am almost done! Next you have my fourth sister, the one who raised me she is caring, a great mom, but is opinionated and thinks if its not done her way she doesnt want any part of it, She's the hostess and the one the whole family calls for just about everything. She is also Quick to tell you off. I would say I am like her because I am quick to speak up for the  people I care for, I do to a fault until most times I get hurt. I am a great mom. (not to gloat) Then theirs My 5th sister, She is a hopeless romantic,  funny, but also can be totally mean without cause. She is smart but sometimes to her own fault that she cant see the other answers that might be brought to the table. She shows her love in her own way. She does'nt always come across the nicest but when she shows you love and kindness it puts you in a stand up mood. She to will fight for what she believes is right, and has your back if she trusts you would have hers. I am like her because I am smart, but I to also come across coarse to most, I will fight for who I love the most.
• Although for so much of my life I have tried to not be like them, I am. I dont think you have a choice you are raised side by side with them. I want to be honest &  say As of late my sister has been my rock. I might not always get along with them, Or talk to them. However I would'nt want a life without them.  Someday I may not be here or vise versa GOD forbid, I never tell them often enough, but I love them all.  No excepetions. Having such a large family unit has also made me realize that They know how to hurt you the most but know how to love you more than anyone. I wouldnt be me if not for them.

To My Little Boy

To Josh from Mommy:

 I have so many things I would like to say to you but these words fit at this particular moment. Joshua When I got pregnant for you I gasped and cried in my mind I thought how could this be all the doctors told me I could never be. Then I looked too God and said Thank You! with tears streaming down my face. Though I had a troublesome pregnancy It was the happiest time I could ever remember experiencing. I vowed To love you More than anything, To give you the best Life I could, To protect you and help you to be the best person you could be. When you were born I held your tiny body in my hands as your fingers gentle moved across mine I remember the silence our first introduction was me staring at you and knowing everything I thought I knew all the love I thought I had Was nothing compared to that moment. Joshua you are 3 years old now and though I will have my time with you to tell you all things I want to One thing is clear Their was No me until You. Motherhood has its ups but certainly has some downs but every moment of every day You make mommys life radiate LOVE, I always tell you "your the best part of me" and truly my son its so much more than an honest statement. God gave you to me after years of trying, after a huge loss, He gave me a chance to be your mom and I cherish it all. I just want you to know I will always accept you for who you are No matter the choices you make. I will stand beside you and lift you up when you are to weak to stand on your own. I will be their cheering you with all the accomplishments in your life. I will protect you well beyond my dieing day, I will push you to be the best because although I am your friend I am your mom first. I will be your teacher, your counselor, your friend, I will do what ever is needed just to see you Happy and succeed and Know most of all Joshua I love you to the deepest depths of my soul. You Are the best gift God has ever given me.