Even though there are people in our lives that we love, should we allow them to shame us, make us feel bad, curse at us, bring us down? I am who I am like it or lump it. You can call me "Ghetto" for standing up for myself that's okay with me. I am strong enough for that are you? I wonder how come it's okay for you to call me names and bring yourself to a degrading level for me expressing my own feelings, yet I am the one that is "ghetto" Shame on you. Just because I love you just because your family, doesn't mean I will ever allow you to control me, or put me down because of your irrationality.
I think its sad that I would fight for you, come together with you, laugh with you, be there if you need me, and yet you think it okay to be that person who bombards me with insults. It's very upsetting to push your insecurities you feel off on to me. I am not to blame you are!
I admit my false, I seek help for my troubles, But I am strong, and independent, I will not stand down to anyone, Those are things you should be proud of instead you are no better than enemies who smile in my face then talk behind my back. I am sorry to say that, but You let me down. My friends don't treat me as bad as my own family, you can say what you want but my so called "Ghetto" friends from the place you once lived would jump to my defense, fight fist to fist with my enemies, protect me, where you my own family, could care two glances about things that happen to me. Yet I am the one you want to call when you feel threatened by someone....I no longer will subject myself to your insanity. As much as I am your family, I am my own person first. I will not put up with your swearing, or anger, your insecurities, your delusions of granger. If you can except me for who I am then we can talk but don't try to step on me I never have nor will I ever be someone to lay down and take bull shit just because someone is having a bad day.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
The light at the end of the tunnel
I would like to start this post with a deep breath *smiles* I do that only because for so long it felt like air was incapable of reaching my lungs. I struggle with severe depression, High anxiety, Anger issues almost to a point of paralyzing me..Although I take medication and seek treatment, I am not ashamed to say I have limitations. I feel like for so long I let those ailments rule my life. So I have started taking time to figure out who I am what I need, and how to express that without killing someone in the process.
I started therapy a few months back, and I have to say its helps me greatly although sometimes I just go to her and vent I have realized that I have walls built around me so solid and thick its like fort knox, and the anger I displace is from repressed situations in my life. *shocking* <---at least it was to me. So I am learning new ways to handle it other than blowing my stack and I am feeling a bit refreshed.
Also I have started to recognize where my heart is, right here in my home, something I shy'd away from maybe because I am the what if kinda gal. I am also a runner, So when things get tough or a little frustrating I shut down not just with the man I love but with all my friends too I become a recluse. SOoooo learning that I am taking time to work on my relationship I am lucky to have a man who loves me flaws and all, who has stood by me when I needed someone to bath me after having a double lumpectomy, who when I was sick held my hair back, whos put up with all the ups and downs I have bestowed upon him, I am not saying he is perfect but he is my kind of perfect and for a bit there I think I lost sight of that. I am also very lucky that we have been together for the last 11 years..That takes something.
You know I never thought one person could make you look at your life in a whole new way and My son has really made me do that, I want to be better so he grows up being proud of me as his mother, Last weekend we went to the park and he met a friend who was also 4 who coincidentally was not only born two weeks away from my son in the same month but was also named Joshua..Although his little friend didn't speak very well, My son didn't care and I was proud of him; but what really made me cry was him walking his lil friend Joshua up to us and saying this is my mom and this is my dad, so very proud of us. I want him to always have that feeling about us..He has changed my life. I am continuing to change, continuing to work on myself trying to grow each day a better person. All we can do in this life is keep trying and keep learning.
It's been a long time since I have written, I even started a book that I didn't finish however for everyone who likes reading my blogs I am glad to be back to writing, Perhaps giving you a little bit a smile , or perhaps just a little something to think about.
I started therapy a few months back, and I have to say its helps me greatly although sometimes I just go to her and vent I have realized that I have walls built around me so solid and thick its like fort knox, and the anger I displace is from repressed situations in my life. *shocking* <---at least it was to me. So I am learning new ways to handle it other than blowing my stack and I am feeling a bit refreshed.
Also I have started to recognize where my heart is, right here in my home, something I shy'd away from maybe because I am the what if kinda gal. I am also a runner, So when things get tough or a little frustrating I shut down not just with the man I love but with all my friends too I become a recluse. SOoooo learning that I am taking time to work on my relationship I am lucky to have a man who loves me flaws and all, who has stood by me when I needed someone to bath me after having a double lumpectomy, who when I was sick held my hair back, whos put up with all the ups and downs I have bestowed upon him, I am not saying he is perfect but he is my kind of perfect and for a bit there I think I lost sight of that. I am also very lucky that we have been together for the last 11 years..That takes something.
You know I never thought one person could make you look at your life in a whole new way and My son has really made me do that, I want to be better so he grows up being proud of me as his mother, Last weekend we went to the park and he met a friend who was also 4 who coincidentally was not only born two weeks away from my son in the same month but was also named Joshua..Although his little friend didn't speak very well, My son didn't care and I was proud of him; but what really made me cry was him walking his lil friend Joshua up to us and saying this is my mom and this is my dad, so very proud of us. I want him to always have that feeling about us..He has changed my life. I am continuing to change, continuing to work on myself trying to grow each day a better person. All we can do in this life is keep trying and keep learning.
It's been a long time since I have written, I even started a book that I didn't finish however for everyone who likes reading my blogs I am glad to be back to writing, Perhaps giving you a little bit a smile , or perhaps just a little something to think about.
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