I would like to start this post with a deep breath *smiles* I do that only because for so long it felt like air was incapable of reaching my lungs. I struggle with severe depression, High anxiety, Anger issues almost to a point of paralyzing me..Although I take medication and seek treatment, I am not ashamed to say I have limitations. I feel like for so long I let those ailments rule my life. So I have started taking time to figure out who I am what I need, and how to express that without killing someone in the process.
I started therapy a few months back, and I have to say its helps me greatly although sometimes I just go to her and vent I have realized that I have walls built around me so solid and thick its like fort knox, and the anger I displace is from repressed situations in my life. *shocking* <---at least it was to me. So I am learning new ways to handle it other than blowing my stack and I am feeling a bit refreshed.
Also I have started to recognize where my heart is, right here in my home, something I shy'd away from maybe because I am the what if kinda gal. I am also a runner, So when things get tough or a little frustrating I shut down not just with the man I love but with all my friends too I become a recluse. SOoooo learning that I am taking time to work on my relationship I am lucky to have a man who loves me flaws and all, who has stood by me when I needed someone to bath me after having a double lumpectomy, who when I was sick held my hair back, whos put up with all the ups and downs I have bestowed upon him, I am not saying he is perfect but he is my kind of perfect and for a bit there I think I lost sight of that. I am also very lucky that we have been together for the last 11 years..That takes something.
You know I never thought one person could make you look at your life in a whole new way and My son has really made me do that, I want to be better so he grows up being proud of me as his mother, Last weekend we went to the park and he met a friend who was also 4 who coincidentally was not only born two weeks away from my son in the same month but was also named Joshua..Although his little friend didn't speak very well, My son didn't care and I was proud of him; but what really made me cry was him walking his lil friend Joshua up to us and saying this is my mom and this is my dad, so very proud of us. I want him to always have that feeling about us..He has changed my life. I am continuing to change, continuing to work on myself trying to grow each day a better person. All we can do in this life is keep trying and keep learning.
It's been a long time since I have written, I even started a book that I didn't finish however for everyone who likes reading my blogs I am glad to be back to writing, Perhaps giving you a little bit a smile , or perhaps just a little something to think about.
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