sequel to our dance..

Okay okay ..So I am a complete doofus. Let me explain so here we are doing this little dance we do and I am in complete control of all emotions, then today I let you get to me. You fill my senses like a primal male mate. I don't want you too have control I need to stay focused so I am fighting. I try fighting the urges that come with your words. I am curious to know so much but resist the verbal combativeness. Our dance continues only you have slowed me down and are waltzing me across the floor with your dominance.

I am afraid to let you in, I beg you not to hurt me as before but I am so unsure of the road we are going down and left speechless by your new found approach. I vow to take a step back at this point and regain my wits. Nothing is going to deflect me from doing that. My walls are up and its going to take more than a few antics to bring them down I need proof. So can you keep up this dance if I am leading? I know this time I will not allow you to break me old friend.  So my plan to ignore you for a little bit to gain back my barrings is in full swing. So lets dance...

Dream a Dream

I have been struggling a lot lately to make changes with in myself but to also recognize I am human and will have set backs. Unfortunately those set backs hit hard this week and made me see who really had my back when I needed them too, it just wasn't a lot of who I thought should. So last night 8/10/12 I had the most intimate realistic dream in my life. It was not sex ( for all of you worried I will be pervy) lol Okay so here it is

I dream-pt of this man his face and body structure so real, I recognized him but I didn't know him, He had a little boy younger than my son but not by much and his son had blonde hair. We met and it was instant kismet, The connection so strong it was if I lived it before. This man never revealed his name but he took my hand and I knew at that exact moment He was mine, I mean my husband, the love I had for him was overbearingly strong, and my son called his son brother, and I remember playing with the kids while he sat and watched and like in a lovers movie I got up letting the kids continue to play in our yard as I sat next him on the step below him he embraced my hands and the attraction well lets just say I have never experienced that before either so I kissed him and it was earth shattering. He told me he loved me that he would find me, I looked at him and woke up...

Waking up I didn't feel good felt sick ..almost to the point of throwing up as if I lost someone. I forced my self to sleep again only to relive the same man , all day I have thought about this dream and wonder if perhaps I have hidden feelings? Or maybe I just dream-pt of someone I have not met yet? I do know I was very affected by the dream, eager to find who this person is. I went as far as researching dream meanings but none of what they said made any sense to me.. The feelings I had were like nothing else I ever felt before how do you shake that? I obviously can't be in a dream state all the time, but I want for this dream again.
I want to dream this dream once more.

Our dance

So here we are again doing this dance, your attraction, my attraction a disaster in the making I am so surely afraid. I think you will always crave me so far you have proven that a fact. How do I maintain myself when there is a strong possibility I too want something you can provide. I am not sure if there is a reason for this. This will never lead to anything. Just two souls unable to stay away from each other. Two people God put on this earth on the same path who cant shake each other. There are things I know about myself that I once was unsure of,  I am in better control of me and my emotions. My choices may not always be clear but one thing I do know is here you are.

You say all the right things like I'm vulnerable, expecting me to take the bait. The only question I have is I didn't take it before what makes you think I will take it this time? Its hard to play a game on someone who knows how to play it better. ;) although you will never read this getting this out of my head and on to paper (sorda speak) helps me to reflect the what is. I remember when we felt so close to each other my best friend my confidant, but you pushed me away you led me to believe it was me when along you knew it was you, you who had fallen. You left me speechless and alone while you watched me from afar. I forgave you because it was you. Excepted your apology just never went back. Now here you are again, the question I have now is what is it you really want? I wont know that exactly until I ask you face to face, and that will happen soon i'm sure; me and you well we love to dance.

So we shall see...too be continued.

Searching

Going in for a little soul searching, perhaps providing some answers to some well needed questions. I give myself permission to be confused and conflicted I am not GOD I do not have all the insight. What I do know is that I am strong, and I am becoming aware of my emotions little by little. Learning what each are and how I truly react in situations; for so very long I had emotions but never in control of them, they came and I struggled to understand. Now I learn that with each emotion there is a reason so I am searching my self to find those reasons. I never looked at myself and said How do I "REALLY" feel about this , I just kind of always acted by instinct never really taking it in.  Learning that and doing it is much more difficult then I thought.

I thought going into making a better me would be quick and easy, who goes into life thinking they don't know themselves..Turns out ME..*giggles* I am not sure who I am, and I feel a little silly not knowing that at 31 years old but I guess always growing is why we are put on this earth. I am just now figuring out who I am aside from a mom. I am a great mother I know this. I will toot toot that horn; but the "woman" behind that I am not so sure..I am discovering new likes and dislikes. I am seeing the kind of happiness I am in search for, who I am with faults and all. Therapy is working very well. I just love my therapist she is very helpful to me. I feel like I am making great progress and strides. This miracle of a new me will not happen over night.. So I am taking time to smell the roses, reading much more, and really thinking about things. 

I keep this as almost a personal journal to me just because to write anything down in my house would not be kept for privacy. Writing on my blog my own personal feelings, sometimes writing based on how someone else feels, just gives me a little sense that I have something just for me.  

Since noone in my house other than me reads it. 

Please don't Judge me

Please don't judge me based on the way I Look. Did you know I am fat because I am sick. Did you know that I used to be very thin and fight everyday to be healthier? Please don't judge me based on today. Did you know that today and everyday I struggle with depression? Did you know that it's because I lost my dad and through out my life I have been abused? Please don't judge me because love is all I seek. If you look beyond my outer appearance you would find??? I would do anything for the people I love. You would find I have a love for words whether it's writing them myself, or reading them off of a page. You would see that I am an educator and a nurturer and that I love my Child and would love to have more. You would know that if I seen someone being treated unjust I would be the one to stand and up and speak even if it meant being hurt myself. Do you know that If I seen You the one who judged me being hurt I would protect you. Why? Because there is so much more to me. So please I ask don't Judge me.

questions

Will you ever see her? The girl who hides her beauty, longing to be found. Can you hear her tear drops as they fall gently among roses? Or do you search for her because you desire her beyond what she herself can recognize? Can you see deep in to her eyes and see her soul? She is lost. Searching for something to fill her heart, something to fill her spirit. She doesn't see herself anymore. She is a shell of what she once was. Her life makes little sense to her these days this woman has lost her worth. Her dreams are big, but seem unreachable. Can you love her? Can you put the passion and the fire back in this woman that once was? Can she trust you? Can you guide her? Or will she stay hidden tied and bound by her mistakes???????.............

Thoughts at random

Sadness reaps when someone you meet falls before you do, sadness seeps when both parties are restricted from anything other than a friendship. Sadness sinks when you realize you're jaded by your past. Scared to be hurt, scared to open up, but what hurts even deeper is knowing that perhaps you are hurting someone else because you want to take it slow and they are not where you are. I never want to hurt another because of the deep pain I've suffered. You need to get to know me first ask me questions, learn about me, and then you can truly say you know something about me. 

There are always things I believe a person wishes they could change, I am however a believer that there are reasons why people come into our lives.  Maybe its Gods life lesson, He brings a person or a situation up to see if you would handle it the way you would of before, or if you learned from before and perhaps would follow a different path all together. Honestly speaking I wish I knew what it was I exactly want from this life! I am 31 years old and I am still trying to figure this out. I feel pathetic. One thing I know I want, is to be Happy! Fulfilled! I want to travel anywhere a car or boat can take me because I don't fly lol. I want to raise a happy, intelligent, independent, well rounded child. My son is my everything and I work so hard at making sure he knows that. I wonder sometimes though is it wrong to say for me I want to feel whole and complete, because of a love so divine. I want him to witness an extraordinary love instead of just an ordinary love??? As a woman we have needs why shouldn't we feed ourselves, men do it all the time? I want that knock me off my feet, spectacular love. Who knows if I never get it at least I will have dreampt of it. I just ask if you are going to attempt to know me work at it. Show me your brilliance. The main thing that I focus on above anything is your intelligence, can you stimulate me with your mind? I am  sapiosexual and a proud one.